If you read my blog about my summer in Paris, you’d never know that I had a panic attack every other day. You wouldn’t know that I had to take sleeping pills to sleep every night and that I was miserable and lonely all of the time. I debated about keeping up this blog in a similar manner. However, I have recently decided that I have absolutely no reason to hide who I am or the actual experience that I am having. So I’m going to be 100% real with y’all.

I am having a panic attack. I am trying to make it go away by writing through it. I am having a hard time breathing and I’m pretty sure I’m going to vomit up the fried pickles I had for dinner and I am sobbing uncontrollably.

This is hard. This isn’t even the hard part yet. Right now, I still have dozens of TFA staff members holding my hand, and delivering me three meals a day accompanied by an endless supply of diet Pepsi (it’s not my beloved Diet Coke but alas I’ll be in Atlanta soon). Now, I’m only scheduled from 8 to 8 everyday. In a few days, the workload will intensify, and in two weeks, I’ll have the additional stress of actually teaching a real live class to real students everyday. The third day of induction isn’t supposed to be the day that breaks you, but today it did.

Today was a lot of self-reflection. Thinking about the person who I am and my strengths and my “areas of growth.” We spent the afternoon talking about the need to build meaningful relationships- which if you’ve ever talked to me in real life, you’ll know is not my strong suit. I’ve been thinking about who I am and who I want to be, because now I have this clean slate. I broke down because I do not want this clean slate. My heart is rejecting it, but my head knows I need it. Today my head could not reason with my heart. I am not okay with moving on. I don’t want to forget my friends, and I don’t want them to forget me. I don’t want everyone to have new jobs and new lives and new boyfriends and new families. I want to go back to my couch with my Miller Lite and my Oreos and New Girl…or with red wine, popcorn and Scandal…or with diet coke, a Pizza Hut dinner box, and Shark Tank. This whole everyone moving on thing, it isn’t fair. I just figured it all out in DC! And now I’m starting over! WHY on earth am I choosing to start over????

Because I need it. Yeah, yeah I know. You don’t have to tell me. Change is good. Blah blah blah. Insert inspirational quote here. I’m still mad and bitter and bothered. But I’m not having a panic attack any more! I can breathe again. I didn’t vomit. I’m not crying. I promise, Mom. In this minute I’m okay. I’m hoping that the next minute will be better than the last, but even if it’s not, that’s okay too.


2 thoughts on “TBH

  1. Zeyde says:

    Hey RaRa NOBODY likes change. We all prefer the status quo, but really no one minute is the same as the previous minute. Every one struggles with change some more than others but you wouldn’t be human if change didn’t bother you. We are all pulling for you so try to get on with it. Give Redds apple ale a try, it should go well with Oreos.
    Besos y abrazos,

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