Break down/through

I do not cry. OK- clarification. I do not cry in front of other people. I cry alone. I hide in bathrooms, bedrooms, and hallways, and I sob. I did not cry while saying goodbye to my friends at GW. I cried after, when I was out the door and safe in the confines of the hotel bathroom. If I’m crying in front of someone else, it’s probably because I’ve been sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted (hello, recruitment), or I’m with the people who I hold closest to my heart, and will continue to be related to and therefore required to talk to me even after witnessing my ugly cry (thx, Katie). I’ve cried at institute, duh. Alone. In the bathroom.

Except. So. I had to read this post, my reflection on my institute experience, to my CMA group. 10 fellow math teachers, and 10 of my favorite people I met at institute. It was totally casual. Us just sitting in a circle of desks sharing our reflections. We were supposed to write down our thoughts first, but most people didn’t, so they just talked off the cuff. I had written something, but if I try to just talk I ramble, so I read that post. Totes cas. It was just a lil’ something I had cranked out during a session the other day. It had classic rabram sassy quips interspersed so that it wouldn’t seem too emotional. It was very matter of fact. Just the truth of how I was feeling. I did not expect to cry halfway though. I did not expect to keep crying though the rest of it.

When I say I did not expect to cry, I mean like beforehand I would have said that there’s a better chance of a pig flying through the classroom window than of me breaking down in front of a group of people who I only sorta knew.

Except I lost it y’all. I had no idea what to do! I’m sitting there trying to read but my voice is cracking and high and squeaky and I’m just like what on earth do I do now?? It all went downhill when I had to say out loud, “…but I can’t do that.” My heart broke in that moment and I immediately felt myself choking up. “Just keep reading, Rach. You have another minute left. Keep. It. Together.” OH I did everything except keep it together. I started bawling. And then I tried to keep reading and it was this painful squeaking sound and I could only focus on the words on the screen and GOLLY I was practically having an emotional break down in front of a group of relative strangers.

BUT alas. There I was. Sitting in a public school in the middle of the ATL sobbing my heart out to a bunch of friends I had made four weeks earlier. HOW THINGS CHANGE.


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